grief

my first memory is the fight my parents had that led to them splitting for good

when i was fix i fell in love with the dog my mom bought 

it died three months later 

when i was seven we moved across the country and i cried over all the friends id never see again

when i was ten i saw an animal’s body strewn across the highway and i sobbed uncontrollably over losing another dog, only to be relieved that it was just our cat 

when i was fourteen i went to a weekend lacrosse tournament instead of visiting my sick grandpa who died on a tuesday

when i was nineteen i lost the first girl i ever loved that i was sure i had forever to get to know 

when i was twenty one i got a phone call that my locker mate in junior had been killed in a motorcycle accident

when i was twenty three i was sure id blown it with the only woman i could ever love 

when i was twenty five i thought the world was ending 

when i was twenty eight i couldn’t go into work for a month because a high school friend was murdered on his first day as a cop and my girlfriend asked me why it was affecting me so much

when i was thirty i got my first tattoo, a drawing from someone who loved me so much i didn’t even know what to do with it. a drawing inspired by my favourite song from my favourite band. a band i got to see with my father, who threw me out on the street while i was destitute, struggling with addiction and jobless, while their singer was dying from brain cancer

grief has followed me. i didn’t even know its name until the last six months of my twenties. it has followed me and i don’t know a life without it. it has taught me how to appreciate what’s in front of me. not some ‘count your blessings’ bullshit. but when i am in a moment or period of great joy, i reflect on how much the pain hurt and i am so grateful to have made it through. and when the pain calls again, i am ready for it, because I know there is joy ahead. there is so much joy ahead